As most of you know, I’m autistic. As fewer of you know, I’m 23, and just moved out of my mother’s house into my own apartment. It is a lovely apartment, and (silverfish and noisy neighbors aside) I couldn’t be happier with it.

Unfortunately, this whole living-on-my-own gig also comes with a lot more responsibility than I’m used to, so it’s taking me a while to adjust. Because of the autism, I handle some things better than others would, and some things, notsomuch. All the chaos around the move and adjusting meant I couldn’t start my new novel until late December.

The good was that that novel? Went so damn fast. I’m a speedy drafter, so I was comfortably past 56k words in record time.

The bad was that that novel was also not right, so I had to scrap everything I’d written and rework my outline from scratch.

The also bad is that now my brain is too tired from drafting the wrong words to start drafting the right ones. Combine that with adjusting to the house, a messed up sleep schedule, and other obligations, and I’m having a hell of a time getting my life in order.

What’s tricky about mental disorders and illnesses is that you have to monitor yourself carefully. Push yourself too hard, and things snap. You can–you need to–pick up on the warning signs, but it’s more complicated than that. You’ll always ask yourself questions. Am I taking things too easy on myself? Could I write this novel now if I pushed myself, or would pushing myself just result in a breakdown? If I did succeed, would I have enough mental energy left for all the things I have to do next month? Should I take it slowly so I’ll at least get some work done, or should I stop entirely so that I have time to recharge?

That’s where I am right now: exhausted and figuring out my next move. It’s not conducive to either writing or blog posts. (It’s very conducive to ‘sleeping in until 2PM’ and ‘playing Pokémon’ and ‘staring at the vacuum cleaner but being unable to bring myself to pick it up.’)

On the bright side, there is a chance a lot of this will improve over the coming years. For one, I’ll get more used to managing the apartment. For another, I’ve known for a couple of years that I likely have ADD in addition to the autism, but never pursued a diagnosis. Now that I have to deal with deadlines and an apartment, I think it’s worth looking into a diagnosis and medication to see if that will help me manage my time and energy levels better.

I’m saying all of this in part because I am a chronic over-explainer, but also because I think it’s important to talk about. There’s no shame in having a brain that works differently from other people, or struggling with that on occasion. No one should think they’re alone or a failure because they can’t manage everything the rest of the world seems to manage.

I’m around on Twitter if you want to see what I’m up to, and hopefully I’ll be back in business soon. Until then, please excuse the blog silence. I’m alive, I promise!

… what? I couldn’t decide on a title!

So here’s the deal, short and sweet: I am so mind-numbingly frustrated right now. Not because I’m on sub, though I get that would be the logical conclusion to draw, but because, well, I’m just at That Stage in my process. [Warning: excessive whining ahead. Avoid if possible.]

It goes like this:

1. Get really excited about project.
2. Work on said project day and night. Be outrageously productive.
3. After a month, start getting tired and/or distracted by real life responsibilities.
4. Promise self to return to work after a week or two of resting/catching up.
5. Do not actually return to work.
6. Tell self, “Well, that’s all right. Look at how productive I was just now! I need some time to recharge. Plus, it’ll allow me to get caught up on all these other minor tasks that need doing.”
7. Catch up on approximately half the tasks that need doing. Start getting antsy.
8. Realize you haven’t worked on anything major in a month. Start planning to get back to work.
9. Write two sentences. Stare at screen.
10. Realize you’ve been spending all your free hours playing FreeCell and catching up on episodes of [insert shiny TV series here]
11. Realize that you haven’t worked on anything major in two months, and really, you’re plenty rested and recharged now, there’s no excuse, and no, those minor projects don’t count as productivity.
12. Plan to get back to work. For real this time. Like, for real for real. After this bout of FreeCell.
13. Do not actually get back to work.
14. Write another two sentences. Stare at screen some more.
15. Delete two sentences.
16. Dissolve into sobbing mess of a worthless, unproductive, good-for-nothing human being whose only redeeming quality is her admittedly quite impressive skill at FreeCell.
17. Stop beating self up. Remember that, oh yeah, it always goes like this.
18. Hm, what’s this shiny project about again?
19. See step one. Rinse & repeat.

It’s always like this. If it weren’t for the magic of that productive period, I’d get nothing done ever — and everything outside of that period is really, really exhausting.

But it’s also very recognizable. So after a really awful couple of days/weeks, I sincerely hope I’m ready for step 1/2 again. Wish me luck, yes?

Hi, my name is Corinne, and I’m an outliner. And a pantser.

I apply this approach to both writing and life in general: I plan obsessively, then kinda wait to see how things pan out. This week, I made a list of things to do in January, and which project to prepare for to work on in February, and then what I’d work on in March after I finish the February project — and I basically already know half these things won’t happen.

Either something else will crop up, which I’m OK with. (For example, in August, I’d planned to work on a graphic novel project. Instead, I wrote 2/3rds of Heirs.) Since I’m not currently on deadline, I’m happy with productivity where I can get it.

That means I’m less happy about the other kind of plan-derailing: doing nothing whatsoever.

I mean, it’s fun, and I really do want to get the hang of those challenges in Batman: Arkham Asylum, but spending weeks lounging on the couch is not really too great when you have approximately a dozen projects all wanting your attention. The thing is, sometimes couch-lounging is what you need to do in order to be productive later on. So I’ve grown to accept that part of the process, too. I’ll work and work and work until my brain says, “TV TIME!” and then I let myself slack off until I get antsy again. Pushing it rarely works for me.

The same kind of applies to writing. I can’t start a book before I have a thorough idea of what will happen: I need to know all the characters involved, all the plot twists and major events, and the ending. I’m totally baffled and impressed by people who can write entire novels off nothing more than a vague idea. (TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT. Um, please.)

But, yeah, things’ll crop up. Usually, at least half the plot events will go different from how I expected, several more will randomly appear, and I’ll need to reconsider the ending half a dozen times until I find one that works.

And sometimes, the book just says, “HALT.” That’s usually a good sign I need to stop and reconsider my outline.

The reason I want outlines for both life and books is the same: I want to know what’s coming. Yes, I’m a little obsessive, but it works for me. I’m actually more excited and more motivated when I know what I’m working towards. I use my outlines/to-do lists as “goals” of a sort — I love ticking things off and seeing how far I’ve gotten, and how close I am to achieving item X on the list.

Without flexibility, though, it wouldn’t work.

My methods aren’t ideal, and I may have to reconsider them when I have to deal with deadlines, but they work for now.

What about you? Plotting? Pantsing? How do you handle sudden detours?

At the start of this year, I had three things brewing that I was super excited about:

* A short story I liked was on submission to a market I adored;
* I applied to Clarion West;
* I was getting close to querying Always Read the Fae Print.

So while I made a list of ‘regular’ resolutions – most of which I failed at – I also made three secret ones. Maybe less ‘resolutions’ and more ‘I really hope I can accomplish this in 2010′.

Well, the short story was rejected (but nicely so), Clarion West said no (but nicely so), and Always Read the Fae Print – well, you know all about that. Edited, queried, edited some more, got interest, turned down agent, had minor nervous breakdown.

And I’m okay.

This year was one long string of rejections in way too many areas to count, and I’m okay. I’m honestly surprised by this.

Like most querying writers, I read up on the proces a lot before I started. I knew the odds. And like most querying writers, I still secretly thought/hoped I’d be one of those who succeeded with their first book. Or with the first agents I queried. Or – who succeeded, in any way.

I’m actually grateful it hasn’t turned out that way. I wasn’t ready. If I’d gotten an agent back in the first half of 2010, it would’ve been too easy. I wouldn’t have been prepared for the rejection I’d face later on with publishers or reviewers. I wouldn’t have been prepared to write an entirely new book while dealing with rejections showing up in my inbox daily. I wouldn’t have been prepared to wait and wait and wait some more and get my hopes up and then wait some more.

And then pig out on chocolate. A lot.

(And then wait some more.)

2010 told me: You’re not a special snowflake. You’re not exempt from rejection. You’re not exempt from waiting. Suck it up, write something new, then be prepared to go through the exact same process.

I knew that. Logically. But now I feel it, and oddly enough, it puts me at ease. For one, there’s no pressure to be that writer anymore. For another, if I’ve dealt with this in 2010, I can deal with it in 2011.

And to my friends: thanks for helping me deal. Without your help, company, and encouragement, this post would look very different. You deserve chocolate and truckloads of cat bellies to scratch.*

* This is the most valuable thing I can think of right now. Use it wisely.

I don’t talk about it a lot here — though I’ve mentioned it on Twitter a few times — but as a result of my autism and likely ADHD, work is officially A Problem™, and I’m on government benefits as a result. I’m super grateful for this, but we’ve had our problems over the years.

Mainly when the Big Nameless Government Organization took one look at me and saw someone young, bright, and motivated, and figured I could totally work a full-time job given the right environment.

I really wish it worked that way. (It doesn’t — I’ve tried.)

Sadly, they kept pushing.

Long story short — about an hour ago, my job coach* dropped by with the news that he’s found someone within the Big Nameless Government Organization who’s a-okay with me focusing on my writing/art full-time instead of getting a regular job, and they’ll contact me ASAP to hash things out.

It took several years to get to this point. And yeah, it’s a huge relief to finally get them off my back, to not have to worry about it, to have help in figuring out how to set up my art business…

But you know what the weird thing is? What I’m most excited about is that this feels like validation. It’s the government saying, “Yup. You’re an writer. Open up Word and write about teenage girls assaulting depressed Germanic gods with bike pumps, young grasshopper, you’ve got my permission.”

It doesn’t really say anything about me as a writer. Though they asked a million questions to see how serious about my work I was, they’ve never actually read a word of it.

But still.

I kinda feel like a writer now.

* He got an oliebol for his troubles. Thanks, dude!

Last night, I turned down an agent.

It was the right decision to make — otherwise I wouldn’t have, er, made it — but I’m still reeling from it. The agent had it all: experience, a good reputation, award-winning and bestselling clients. We e-mailed back and forth over a dozen times. We discussed the market and my genre. She was prompt in her replies. She already had editors in mind to send my work to. There wasn’t an offer yet, not officially, but it was on the way.

And me — well, I dug up a Will Smith macro from the depths of my computer for the Big Announcement on this here blog. I had “OFFER OF REPRESENTATION!” e-mails filling up my drafts folder to send to agents with my materials. I’d checked my Twitter profile to see if I had enough characters to could fit in Represented by: and her name. (I did.) Then I tried to add Debut: ALWAYS READ THE FAE PRINT (year, publisher) but realized I wouldn’t have the space unless I took out administrative assistant, which would be okay since I don’t work much these days anyway.

I mean — an agent, you know? A real life agent interested in representing me. I know the end goal is supposed to be “successful publication”, but we all know it doesn’t work like that. You break things up into smaller goals and take them one at a time. Finish first novel. Edit first novel. Write second novel. Get feedback from betas. Query this many agents. Get full requests. Get positive rejections. Get an agent.

But I turned her down, and the odds of Always Read the Fae Print snagging an agent now seem slim – I’m at the end of my query list. I’ll admit, the decision nearly killed me. I expected to spend a lot of time kicking myself and wishing I’d given her a chance, wondering if my book would’ve sold by now. Wondering how long it’ll take before I get another offer.

In the end, though, it needs to feel right. I could go all the reasons that this didn’t feel right, but suffice to say, it didn’t. I discussed it with family, friends. I vented. I spent nights lying awake wondering what to do… and, well, that alone told me the answer.

When I get an agent, I need to be able to go into it without reservations. I want someone who I can squee about and who squees about me; someone who makes me cry out of joy and not because I’m so damn frustrated that I can’t figure out what to do.

Basically, I want someone who makes me want to break out this dude:

P.S. Dear Will Smith: Why did you never return my ten-year-old self’s marriage proposal? I’m still totally heart-broken.

… and not of the fictional variety.

Warning: This is a me-me-me post, with some existential angst and whining on the side. Skip as desired!

A lot of writers struggle to make time for writing. I know I’m not alone there.Writing comes at the cost of family, friends, work, housekeeping — but it’s worth it, because it’s our passion, right? You have to make sacrifices for your passion.

But what if you have more than one passion? What if finishing a book gives you the same thrill and contentment and joy as finishing a drawing – and after years of trying, you still can’t find a way to balance the two?

That’s the predicament I find myself in now. I love art. I went to school for it. I want to keep doing it for the rest of my life – both because of sentimental and practical reasons: I make more money with a single drawing than I have with all my writing put together.

But for reasons of the neurological variety, I can’t multitask. I already struggle to keep up with housekeeping and a social life in addition to writing. If I’m willing/able to deal with stress, I can add the occasional Extra Activity: actual work, or reading, or art… but not all of those. Not even close. Something’s gotta give.

So I’ve been neglecting art these past few years in order to focus on writing. About once or twice a year I feel inspired to do more, I stock up on art supplies and brainstorm ideas for drawings and maybe even do a sketch or two — and then I feel bad that I’m so behind on my writing, and let the art slide. When I finally get around to dealing with agents and editors and deadlines, imagine how much worse it’ll be? Then I won’t have the opportunity to postpone writing for weeks or months at a time, and that’s the only way I ever get any art done.

Basically, I need to make some sort of decision.

This week, I realized that I pretty much did: in October, I received an invitation to participate in an exposition. The theme was Black & White. Right up my alley. Charcoal rules, y’all.

The deadline to submit was yesterday.

I’m not happy with this decision, such as it is. But I wouldn’t be the other way around, either. When I write, I feel like I should be drawing. When I draw, I feel like I should be writing.

Sometimes, having less ambition would be nice.

Is this month going WAY too fast for anyone else? I’d meant to have so many things done by now… and it’s not really happening.

I should have some art to share soon. But in the meantime… more questions!

16. Do you write romantic relationships? How do you do with those, and how “far” are you willing to go in your writing?
I often do, though they’re rarely the focus of my work. I don’t feel confident enough in my ability to keep a reader’s interest when there aren’t any explosions involved. *g*

And I’m willing to go as is needed – which usually isn’t terribly far. The most graphic sex scene I’ve written so far (also the only one) is in The Hands of Cally Wu, and it’s pretty mild. The details aren’t necessary; Cally’s thoughts and the reactions of her demons are.

17. Favorite protagonist and why!
Of my own? I think Lillian, because she’s super reluctant to get back into the whole magic thing – but does it anyway, and has a sense of humor about it. Also, she’s awfully fun to put into ridiculous situations.

Of other people’s… err. I always struggle to choose favorites. Katniss from The Hunger Games is the first to come to mind. She takes control of situations where she can, she looks after the people she loves, she’s got a grim sense of humour, and most of all, she’s calculating. I looooove calculating characters.

18. Favorite antagonist and why!
Of my own — it’s a toss-up between Wodan and the fae from Fae Print. I suppose Wodan’s not really an antogonist, but he is a total jackass who was only on Lillian’s side because it benefited him. He can’t be trusted. The fae definitely count, though, and oh, how I love writing them. They have wonderfully distinct voices, a clear agenda, and they’re absolute scumbags of the best kind.

Of other people’s, I found Håkan from Let The Right One In very compelling. Yes, he’s horrific in every possible way, but… antagonists are supposed to be horrific. You still felt his pain, and his desperation, and you still felt nauseated by what ended up happening to him and what he did to others.

So yeah. Compelling is the right word.

19. Favorite minor that decided to shove himself into the spotlight and why!
Valentijn from Always Read the Fae Print; originally he was a minor character whose main point was to show how magic kept interfering with Lillian’s life. Then he proved his usefulness in a later scene. Then I figured the book was kind of top-heavy as far as Valentijn was concerned: he appeared a lot in the first half of the book but barely in the second half. So I had to give him some purpose for the end of the book…

Since then he’s decided that he’s narrating book two and, oh yes, he’s getting a love interest.

Shows how much control I have, huh?

I like him because he’s gawky and self-deprecating and awkward, and made of steel underneath that. He knows who he is – sweet and helpful and a complete nerd – but he won’t let people take advantage of him.

He breaks my heart. A boy like him doesn’t deserve what I put him through by sole virtue of being a werewolf.

… sniff.

20. What are your favorite character interactions to write?
Lillian/Carol. Mother-and-child relationships seem to be a recurring theme in my work, and the one between Lillian and Carol is probably the most fleshed-out so far. They have history, they have issues, and they have snark. They love each other unconditionally, but that doesn’t always make up for the rest.

Lillian/Wodan, because I love writing Wodan, period. It’s wonderful to pour on the charm, and then remind people that, by the by, he’s absolutely horrible and deserves to die.

Nina/Roy, because they’re awkward teenage exes who can read each other’s minds. That’s all kinds of interesting.

I keep being tempted to procrastinate further by adding in the rest of the questions – but, instead, I probably ought to beta read some more. (And if you have critique partners like mine? There are worse things!)

Oh, the excitement! *fans self*

11. Who is your favorite character to write? Least favorite?
I love them all, or I wouldn’t write them

That said, Cally from The Hands of Cally Wu is exceptionally difficult. Her voice is very distinct, but also very closed-off. It’s hard to make her come across as sympathetic and interesting, because even in first person present tense, she won’t really let us into her head as much as my other characters will.

Lillian from Always Read the Fae Print is the complete opposite. I love writing her. She flows very, very easily. The humor, the voice, and her more serious traits – yes, damn it, she has those – all fit together seamlessly in my mind. I rarely have a problem with her. She’s just fun.

12. In what story did you feel you did the best job of worldbuilding? Any side-notes on it you’d like to share?
So far, that’d be Fae Print; the worldbuilding in Heirs and The Hands of Cally Wu are both still WIPs. I think the latter especially needs a lot of work; I focus so much on the main character and her situation that the worldbuilding really comes secondary. It’s a very different kind of book from the others. The world is there, but she doesn’t interact with it as much as my other main characters. Since I started writing the book without a lot of preparation (very unlike my usual methods), it was easy to let that part fall by the wayside.

Definitely something I’ll need to fix in revisions. Eep!

13. What’s your favorite culture to write, fictional or not?
Dutch. I’m intimately familiar with it for some absolutely bizarre reason, and it’s very interesting to approach it from an outside perspective. I really hope I’ll be able to write future books in the Fae Print series some day.

14. How do you map out locations, if needed? Do you have any to show us?
I use Google Maps! It’s a really handy tool for personalized maps. Here’s the one I have for Heirs right now, with the spoily things purple-d out:

I also had one for Always Read the Fae Print, but since I actually live in this city, I didn’t use it as much. I knew most of the locations and details by heart. I mainly used it to figure out the best routes for getting from here to there, how long it would take, et cetera.

For Heirs, it serves much more of a purpose: street view is my saviour. It also helps in adding the little necessary details, like which road they’re driving on. Without this I’d actually have to do something absurd like visit Seattle, which –

Actually, I guess there are worse things!

15. Midway question! Tell us about a writer you admire, whether professional or not!
Mike Carey. I don’t really know anything about the dude in real life, but his writing is kick-ass. As much as I love the idea of urban fantasy, I often don’t really feel compelled by the execution. His books are an exception.

I’m also quite partial to Maggie Stiefvater. I mean, she draws! And she does it prettily! And she can also, you know, write, I suppose. I can’t help but appreciate that combination.

Which reminds me that I really ought to go work on those commissions. It’s such a balancing game, this life. 

It’s actually past 1 in the afternoon, but, ah, we’ll just say it’s morning. It still feels like morning, but that may have something to do with my lack of productivity so far.

In my defense, it is Monday.

So instead – question time!

6. Where are you most comfortable writing? At what time of day? Computer or good ol’ pen and paper?
Honestly? Everywhere, anytime. It depends on a lot of factors, but location and time aren’t among them. I was fairly productive on the plane from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur, sitting in the center seat in the center row (blegh!), writing in my battered notebook with a barely-functional pen – but I can slack off enormously in a dead-silent house, sitting comfortably in front of my computer. (And vice versa.)

I think I prefer the computer though. It’s just faster. If only it didn’t come with those pesky distractions *g*

7. Do you listen to music while you write? What kind? Are there any songs you like to relate/apply to your characters?
Rarely; I usually pay too much attention to lyrics to be able to focus on what I’m actually writing. When I do listen to music, it’s usually music I’m very familiar with.

I definitely love making soundtracks to my characters. There’s too many to name! Just going on main characters, though, these are my current favourites…

For Roy from Heirs:

For Cally from The Hands of Cally Wu:

For Lillian from Always Read the Fae Print:

8. What’s your favorite genre to write? To read?
I love writing contemporary fantasy/sci-fi, blending the speculative with our own world. The options are limitless, and you already have a world to ground yourself in and relate things to.

As far as reading goes, I’m more open to other genres. Overall, I think I’m more drawn to styles of writing than genre. (And no, I don’t think I could easily describe it. Just some stories annoy me, and some I love, and genre has little to do with it. But of course I’m incredibly fond of fantasy/sci-fi done well – but the flipside is that I get terribly annoyed when it’s done wrong, in my not-so-humble opinion.)

9. How do you get ideas for your characters? Describe the process of creating them.
This varies so much. Sometimes they pop up mostly-formed; other times, I start from a vague idea and go from there. For Roy from Heirs, my process went like this: I wanted to write your standard demon-slaying badass, who’s forced out of his job due to a sudden disability. What aspect of the character would provide the most conflict in this kind of situation? If he’s completely dedicated to the job. Certain traits began to form, like stoicism, and confidence-bordering-on-arrogance. When his ex-girlfriend showed up (in my head, that is), I started thinking of him as opposed to her: since his ex is telepathic, communication between them is easy. To contrast this, he doesn’t actually express his feelings or opinions that often. And since his ex is a consummate liar and actress, he values honesty and reliability.

10. What are some really weird situations your characters have been in? Everything from serious canon scenes to meme questions counts!
Um, every scene from Fae Print. The book starts with a flying doormat delivering a message from Lillian’s mom. Later on, Lillian takes on a werewolf with cutlery and a cordless phone, threatens a Germanic god with a bike pump, and various other things.